At JF&CS, a group of adoptive moms meets monthly to share stories about parenting their adopted children and to lend support to each other. Created more than a decade ago for women who adopted internationally, group members now include domestic adoption moms. During this National Adoption Month, Sandy*, a member of Mom’s Coffee Club at JF&CS for eight years, shared her thoughts on adoption.
Sandy and her husband have a son, and they adopted two daughters from the former Soviet Union. Both adults have worked extensively with children in their careers, and they thought that if anyone was prepared to adopt children, they were.
“It was humbling, what we didn’t know,” Sandy said. “But our experience with children did help us identify the concerns and come to understand that we needed help.”
Sandy said the group has been her rock, and she does whatever it takes to make the monthly meeting. Bari Benjamin, LCSW, BCD, a psychotherapist at JF&CS’s Squirrel Hill Psychological Services and the group’s founder and facilitator, also adopted a child from Russia, so she knows exactly what these moms deal with.
“All parenting is challenging at one time or another,” she said. “But these moms have the additional issues that come with adopting children, especially non-infants, away from their homeland, often with little knowledge of their background or family history. I wanted to provide a supportive, confidential environment where they could discuss all their feelings and connect with other people who would understand.”
Sandy values the group for many reasons. She says everyone can be completely honest and share things they wouldn’t share with their friends for fear of somehow “marking” their child. Group members exchange information and resources they have discovered, a good child therapist, for example. Sandy said the camaraderie and understanding she finds there “puts me in a healthy spot,” makes her a better parent, and hence has been beneficial for her daughters. Finally, she said sharing the joys and victories, sometimes even things other parents might find unremarkable, can be sustaining milestones to these moms.
Sandy advises all prospective adoptive parents to inform themselves, speak to experienced parents, consult relevant professionals, and do some soul-searching before they proceed. Her older daughter has grown to be a typical teenager, but the younger one has some special needs. “We’ve developed the tools to parent these kids and understand how they see the world,” she said, adding that that the group has made it possible for her family to thrive.
If you are the mother of an adopted child and are interested in exploring Mom’s Coffee Club, contact Bari Benjamin at JF&CS (412-521-3800, ext 5946). Bari also sees individual clients.
If you are considering adoption or becoming a foster parent, you can contact JF&CS’s Family Hope Connection (412-422-8567).
*Name has been changed to protect confidentiality.